Prodigious (Mom, did I spell that correctly?)

I am susceptible--especially when I hear about friends' teenager's impressive accomplishments--to fantasizing that the hooligans may be undiscovered prodigies.....don't they look like a couple of prodigies?

Yes, well, no pressure.

(This is from last fall, when we were visiting my favorite city on the East Coast:  Baltimore! See previous post: SNOW for more about the wonders of Baltimore!  Why would you go to New York, Montreal or Disneyland when you COULD go to Baltimore?)

(What?  you haven't watched Pecker yet?  Put it in your queue!  Also The Wire.)

gold chain, chest hair, handlebar mustache, hot tub

The Man Who Lives In My House is the proud owner of one of the above  items.  That would be the hot tub.  With luck, he may someday have the other three.  Please note:  It is not MY hot tub.  HIS hot tub resides in MY yard.  I have issues with the aesthetics (or lack thereof) of hot tubs.  I could not picture a place where I would NOT find a big plastic tank surrounded by fake wood paneling visually offensive.  This led to a lot of discussions.  Also some hissy fits (on my part).  Our brilliant contractor/marriage counselor, Eric Scott came up with the solution.  He placed the tub in the remotest corner of the yard.  It is screened even in winter by shrubs and trees and flower beds.  It's a longer walk from our back door to the tub, but we are filling in the gravel back patio and paths with random slate flags-- which I've been thinking about doing since we moved in.  So we're both getting something we want.  The hooligans are with him in the tub now.  It's so far from my office I can't hear a thing.  Why didn't we get one sooner? Why don't I go buy him a big gold chain?  Why doesn't he grow a big ol' 'stache?  The chest hair--I'm not sure how he'll go about getting that....

Laryngitis

The Man: "Your voice is awesome!"
Me: (Croaking) "What voice?   I can't even talk.  Wait!   That's why you like it!"

I am insulted.

She's So Helpful

A verbatim email from my esteemed mother:

I am enjoying your blog. And pleased to see the corrected spelling!
More words for your list:
Kerfuffle
Pungle
both unknown to spell check (-:

Mom


Guess what?  She's a virgo!

MRSA: Not a good Valentine

I have a tendency to cheapness.  And I would like to think there is a way to reverse the aging process.

How are these two statements relevant?

The answer:  SPA DAY.   Some time ago, my sister and I checked ourselves in to the no-frills JADE SAUNA in Beaverton, Oregon.  It's Korean.  You strip down, shower, sluice,  soak, steam, roast in the sauna and then submit to the industrial exfoliation: a lady  grimly attacks your dermis with scouring pads.  ALL of your dermis.  Including between your toes and your butt crack.  She shakes her head a lot and says you ought to come in at least once a month.  You come out feeling peeled, fresh and slightly mortified. But possibly ten years younger, so it's worth it.  AND IT'S CHEAP.  Like maybe a quarter the cost of a regular spa.

And here I must refer you to the toast post.  Cheapness + toaster = broken toaster, over and over and over.  Cheapness + spa = questionable hygienic practices = MRSA.  Which, as you probably know, is the drug resistant staph infection....Which they treat with Bactrim which I'm allergic to, which meant they gave me something else which meant the MRSA came back three weeks later...more drugs...more Doctor visits...more fretting that someone in my household was going to catch it....lots of careful bandaging and washing everything in hot water....no one else got it and it was finally gone....It took over two months to fully eradicate.

So don't cheap out on the spa day (Duh, you probably knew that, too.).  If you've scheduled yourself for a little buffing and polishing before a big date-- say this Feb. 14?  Learn from my mistake!  Go somewhere nice and CLEAN and expensive!  Or if you prefer to cheap out, DIY!

I called the health department, incidentally, but because the JADE SAUNA is called a SAUNA and not a spa, they are not subject to the same regulations as a spa.  As far as I know, they're still in business.  And when I called to request a refund, they suddenly did not speak much English!  So I feel it's ok to name names here on my blog, in the interest of public health and safety.

My sister escaped my fate, even though she was on the table right next to me.  Probably because she is a better person.

No doubt it' a good thing that I have no interest in plastic surgery.

Because I know Aunt Judy reads this blog:

I have a vivid memory from when I was 5:  6 a.m.  Aunt Judy is sitting at our kitchen table, resting her head on one hand and stirring a bowl of chocolate ice cream with the other.  We were delighted!  What a cool grown up!  "Ice cream for BREAKFAST?"  Her response, "It's great for a hangover." We had no idea what she meant.

Aunt Judy, you were absolutely right.

Snow

If I still lived in my twelve-foot wide rowhouse on Wyman Park Drive in glorious Baltimore, Maryland, I would be buried in two feet of snow!  I would have hurried to the Superfresh on Thursday, where I would have stocked up on toilet paper, bread, and milk, along with everyone else in Hampden.  I might have seen John Waters there, and he would have nodded when I waved.  How cool was it that our neighborhood shared a grocery store and post office with John Waters' (much nicer) neighborhood?  The BriteWash Laundry where Pecker's girlfriend Shelly worked was 2 blocks from my house.

What?  You've never seen the movie, Pecker?  Put it at the front of your queue immediately!  You will not be sorry.  I lived RIGHT THERE! That movie is a DOCUMENTARY! Hampden in particular and Baltimore in general is truly that weird.  There is nowhere else like it.

Next you must watch The Wire. Which is the best show ever to have been on television.  I taught in the neighborhood where they filmed the first season.  It was very very urban, in the most crime-ridden, depressing sense.  The elementary school was on the corner, and the hookers were on the sidewalk on the corner right there in front of the school.  They used my car windshield as a mirror to do their hair while waiting for customers! I would wait until they were done before driving away, which they seemed to appreciate.  We would wave at each other, and then I'd see them waving down their clientele.  At least the playground (which consisted of some asphalt, a dead tree and a broken backstop) was on the other side of the school.   That's BALTIMORE: the ultimate blend of friendly, bizarre, and dangerous. I miss it.  Because it's always interesting and unpredictable.

Right now all the neighbors in the rows are making big pots of whatever is in their kitchens and they're having potluck dinners.  The ones with four wheel drive are making supply runs to bring everyone else diapers and more milk.  School will be out for days and everyone will help each other dig out the cars.  Do not park in someone else's dug out spot, because they might shoot you and I am not kidding.

Here in Eugene we had to drive nearly two hours to achieve the blissful state  they call snow.  It was beautiful.  I did my yearly snowboarding day, just to make sure I still can, (Mostly I ski, just to be contrary.  My family has gone over to the dark side.)  I think the Hooligans were somewhat impressed.  I'm pretty good.   Except now my right ankle hurts like a mother F which is what you get for showing off.

Subliminal

Last night I fell asleep while knitting and watching The Hoarders (I consider this show to be preventative therapy). This morning, The Man Who Lives In My House mentioned that he was poked by a knitting needle when he got in bed and was I trying to tell him something?

on hold

can't blog.  too busy being held. hostage. until i can be served...because i am a customer who sent $1200 to the wrong place.