Monday, October 20, 2014

More bits from the summer: Deaf as a post post

I did actually write a little bit this summer, I just never got around to adding pictures and posting.  Here is one example:

We went out to the sailboat (have I mentioned the sailboat?  We have acquired my folks' pretty wooden day sailer since my dad's balance has become so poor--we keep it at the local reservoir in the summer.  Lucky us!)  the other evening.

The smaller hooligan brought his remote control speedboat. The wind was light and we were just tooling along very peacefully.  He stood by the mast and ran his demonic little vessel alongside.

Some big tattoo'd dudes and their neon thong lady friends in a speed boat were amused.  They hollered  "Send that thing over with a beer!"  Ha ha.  That was sweet, actually.  Often the sailboat people and the speed boat people have nothing to say to each other.  We do not like the big wake they create.  They do not like that we have right of way if we're under sail.

As we sailed away from our new speed boat friends the Man Who Lives In My House and the Smaller Hooligan were bobbing their heads in time to something.
"I hate this song."  Said the smaller hooligan.
"Me too, but it's horribly catchy."  said TMWLIMH.
 "What song?"  I asked.

They looked at me quizzically.  You can't hear that?  aske THMWLIMH.

"Hear What?"  I responded.

The smaller hooligan chimed in  "Mom you really are deaf!"

Oh dear.  I thought having to get progressive lenses in my glasses would somehow protect me from other areas of sensory deterioration.  I guess I can look forward to being more oblivious to irritating background noise.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

A message from the Universe

Yesterday my car wouldn't start.  Today the dishwasher appeared to be defunct.  Both things turned out to be minor problems that I was able, albeit with much cursing, to fix myself.  Nonetheless I am sidling along, nervously squinting at the sky as I'm pretty sure a grand piano is about to land on my head.

I was going to run errands and take the dogs on a long hike but instead I am staying inside and cleaning the floor.  

The dogs think I'm over-reacting. 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Not Extinct

Very large versions of mammals that are still around today once roamed the earth:  6 foot tall beavers, for example, and giant sloths.  I believe that we have a giant hamster in residence:

I have not actually caught the critter, digitally or otherwise.  I have only cleaned up after him:

I guess I'll set up a webcam and then call National Geographic.  

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Call your mother.

My (almost daily) conversation with my mom today went something like this:

Me:  "So on Friday, the Larger Hooligan was all ebullient and pleased because he found out he's getting and A in Geometry, and naturally we were pleased too."

Bad Grandma:  "Well you should be pleased!  that is very good!  He is quite bright you know." (My mother was convinced the Larger Hooligan could read when he was three.  She dotes with great enthusiasm. It is endearing.)

Me:  "Well yes, but he works so hard at acting like a doofus that I forget.  And by Sunday he started mentioning that his grade in Science might not be so great, but he was going to turn all the missing work in, the teacher accepted late work, etc etc.  So I'm trying not to get pissed at him but I'm all stressed out again and then TODAY (Monday) I get a text:  Hey Mom!  A- in Science!

B.G.:  Well that's wonderful!  What was he talking about?  Did he think he'd bombed a test or something?

Me:  I think he is just trying to kill me.

At this point in the conversation my mother could no longer contain herself:  "That is exactly how we felt when we got the letter saying that you, with your 2.4 GPA, were a National Honor Society Scholar because of your SAT scores!  YOU! A SCHOLAR!  Hahahahaa"

Me:  "I know, and I am only sharing this with you because I know it will give you great pleasure, Mom.  It is my gift to you."

I've been out on Puberty leave

This should be a real phenomenon, com to think of it.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Casual Conversation

I was on the phone, making plans with a friend when she said the following:

"So I'll meet you at--wait a minute...."

(voices, shrieking from children, sound of feet on gravel)

"Sorry, my cat was eating a chipmunk's head while it was still alive.  Where were we?"

This almost makes me appreciate Magnus.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

The Truth about DIY

Part of the reason I do stuff myself, like make felted critters, or knit sweaters (see below)

is that it is fun, and satisfying.  Also, I am sort of ADD, so knitting helps me to focus during long meetings.  It also keeps me from losing my mind on airplane rides and long car trips.    

The real reason I make stuff, though,  is that I am a show off.  Many crafty folks are.  My mother, for example, is a one woman  baby sweater knitting factory.

 Normal people make baby sweaters for their own children, grandchildren, maybe nieces and nephews.  My mother makes baby sweaters for the grandchildren of her neighbors and the other artists in her painting club--babies whose parents she barely knows.  On the surface, this is very sweet and generous.  But it is also a venue for her to showboat her skills.  As she should.  They are adorable sweaters.

Just one blog post ago, I was displaying my felted bunny critter, now I want you to see this sweater.  It's a swedish pattern called " Plöj sagan om ringen-trilogin och du har fixat julstämning och varmaste, gosigaste tröjan i vinter."

That says, "Three Movies Sweater  The sweater is really quick knitted.  It takes about three movies to knit."

Maybe if you are swedish is is quick knitted.  Maybe in Swedish there are tips to speed up your knitting and cure your ADD.  I was going to make the whole thing dark green but after I joined the body and arms at the shoulder level I got bored (easily bored!  ADD!)and swapped out the rest of my green skeins for blue.

I thought it was going to be a total disaster right up to the end when I blocked it.  Blocking (for you non knitters) is where you get the finished sweater wet and stretch and shape it to the proportions you want.  It is magical.

It would be nice if you could block your actual body:  step out of the shower, pat your muffin top down to your butt or up to your bust.  I would firm up my bingo wing triceps.  Oh wait, you can do that, it's called go to the gym.

But I digress (ADD!! I'm having an episode!).  Anyway, the sweater:  I'm pleased as punch although I wish wool did not make me itch.

One more thing:  the CLOGS!  They are red!  And Swedish!  I scored them at Value Village for $8.  Since I am not actually Swedish,  the next best thing is to wear clogs as much as possible.  Also I hate heels but like to be two or three inches taller.   I'm hoping that eventually all my shoes will be clogs.  My friend Keri would tell you I'm well on my way.

A final note:  the evil beast standing next to me in the picture was mad because I gave him a bath yesterday.  So this morning he escaped the yard and rolled in cat shit.  I had to hose him down and scrub him with dish soap and then take a shower myself.  No one should knit him a sweater.